The bullshit, so-called, magic of being in our twenties

Yeah yeah yeah…I know what you’re thinking. You, too, have been victim to the (insert older age here)-somethings droning in your ear about why/how we should live out our twenties. They’re always so quick to feed us bullshit inspiration about how this awkward, confusing, consuming fucked up mess of a decade is supposed to be the best times of our lives. And yeah, sure, we nod and believe it for like 2.5 minutes then go off to do whatever meaningless things we do with our time.

But what if we took just a few extra minutes to really start to believe the sugar-coated words and embrace this mess? There is (supposedly) no other time in our lives that we can do whatever the fuck we want. The best advice I have ever been given came from a good, older, friend. She said “girl you’re in your twenties…any decision you make can be undone.” And with those few, simple words, it all clicked. She was RIGHT! Here I am, my head spinning around trying to make all of these crazy important decisions, wishing desperately for a crystal ball, when in reality, any decision I make can be undone! I’m not carving my life path into stone or donating my first born child if it doesn't turn out right. Because, lets face it, our little “plans” aren't going to turn out "right" anyways.

So make some of the best, most hot-messed decisions I've made since I started this blog:         

• Break up with your long term boyfriend/girlfriend (if you're merely complacent)
• Live alone (for a short period of time I suggest)
• Be car-less
• Stay up way too late when you have an early presentation
• Pursue that person that is “out of your league” (because bitch you’re gorgeous and no one is actually out of your league)
• Experiment (...define this how you'd like)
• ...When in doubt, always, do that extra tequila shot
• Work a shitty, dirty part-time job
• TRAVEL... anywhere and everywhere
• Volunteer for the social issues that tug at your heart
• Send that drunk text
• Count your blessings frequently
• Always try to pay forward the help you receive
• Follow your intuition 
• But most importantly, realize how fucking important your best friends are and tell them 

I'm no specialist at life or anything but if there's one thing I've learned it's that we as living, breathing humans have one life to live. Because when we strain away all societal pressure and responsibilities, we hold the key to our own happiness.

Cheers to not being engaged but instead being chased, impulsive, gutsy and most importantly: doing all things with hedonism: the belief that pleasure or happiness is the most important goal in life.

Slow Like The Sinking Summer Sun

Prompt: What is chronic or inflamed in your life? 

Lately I've really realized how fast time flies and how close I really am to the cusp of adulthood. This past weekend I was back in my hometown, and like most hometowns, it always seems like the land time doesn't touch. The infamous monuments, the beat down back roads, the inside jokes that still make you laugh. It's all accompanies you with a comforting embrace of safety and security. But as I walked along the lake, feeling the hazey summer sun sink behind beautiful houses that aren't mine, I was reminded how much time really has passed. It feels like just yesterday I was graduating high school and feeling giddy about college plans. And now I'm soon entering my last year of undergraduate and looking into graduate programs. My point? Life stands still for no one. It doesn't give you a time out to let you figure out your current dilemma. You have to master the act of rolling with the punches; which, for a recovering control freak, is easier said than done. People change, relationships rearrange, priorities shift. What's the common denominator in this equation? The passage of TIME. Time slips away much like a handful of sand. This used to drive me crazy; I was constantly swimming against the current to slow things down. So many people to see with so little time. Micromanaging became a past time of mine. But recently I've discovered that quality of time spent completely overrides quantity. This seems to contradict the concept that time flies. It's in our nature to try to squeeze in as many things into our short days as possible. That has begun to bother me...I want my relationships to be effortless not scheduled. How do we do this? How do we slow time down so we can be effortless and casual? And how do we juggle our school, jobs, future planning along with our relationships? These questions have become inflamed for me recently. I think we should all search for tactics to do this; tactics to slow down and smell the roses. This weekend I started on that endeavor. I successfully pulled an all nighter with my mom and wondered onto a random beach to watch the sunrise. (If you haven't done this yet, please do. It's completely worth the lack of sleep. Minus trespassing, I probably shouldn't condone that)  Later that day, I was with one of my best friends along the boardwalk and watched the sun sink down while we ate ice cream from the ice cream truck. These past few days literally made me re-appreciate my life and the act of slowing down. Lets enjoy this crazy, unpredictable ride before its too late. Shotty front seat! 

She got it from her mama

Prompt: What thing, experience or person has really contributed to the individual you are today?

        Growing up with a working single mother money was inevitably always tight. I still remember counting down to her biweekly paychecks to go grocery shopping or to get the cable turned back on. Don't get me wrong, you can see from my curvy frame that I was never starved or suffered by any means... We always had something in the fridge. Now, what that something was, was never consistent. It varied from coffeecake to "house burgers" (see Eddie Murphy's skit on House burgers....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ToAgia1EMA minus all of the spices + green peppers that was a house hold staple). Far from a domestic goddess, my mother made whatever we had stretch to whenever it needed to. Coming from a low-income background, we know how to be resourceful. I believe a lot of my creative juice stems from using my imagination so much when I was young. Because, as of right now, the government hasn’t started taxing imagination.

         Watching my mother put herself through nursing school after the first divorce was my first example of collegiate success. Juggling school, a full time job, her crazy kids, the emotional baggage from a divorce and all of the other life struggles, she prevailed and obtained her Registered Nurse certification in 2000. She always sought out advancement for herself, my brother and I. Whether it was enrolling me in dance classes or taking us to city productions, we were always enriched as children. I believe that this is extremely detrimental for child development; parents tend to think that just because they don’t have the income that they cant provide X, Y and Z for their children. This is something that my mother never let deter her or us. From a young age I’ve always had the mindset that if I want something I’m going to get it. This mindset has allowed me to travel the world, domestic America and to do a plethora of fun things. Although not the best at saving or investing my mother always reminds me that money is a renewable resource. Opportunities however, may not be.

            Growing up in a broken household, my mother is no stranger to hardship. Her father, a troubled soldier home from Vietnam, committed suicide on Christmas morning when she was twelve. Adolescent life was cut short as she became a second mother for her younger twin sisters. My grandmother became seemingly invisible and faded into becoming a daily regular at the local bar. A few years later my mom met my dad and they became an item for virtually twenty plus years. The two married when she was twenty-one. This relationship was always far from stable; during their wedding reception they were already arguing and the wedding party was taking bets on when they were going to divorce. My dad got so drunk that he passed out on his bride (before the reception was over) and my mom ended up going to a local house party. So much for a matrimonial welcoming into married life. 

         Not long after, the world was blessed with my presence. And scorned a few years later with my baby brother’s. (Kind of kidding Juju, Love ya!). If you ask my mother want she wanted as a young adult her answer was to be a mother. She wanted children more than anything else. Aside from her strength, persistence and sense of humor, my favorite trait of my mama is her unconditional love. Despite the hardship as a child and throughout her adult life, she still loves her mother, late father and sisters. Despite her nasty divorces, she still loves my dad. She may have her days that animosity floods in but overall she is full of love. No matter the event and the toll it takes on her, my mom continues to put one foot in front of the other. Life stops for no one.

         So I guess my answer to this prompt in short is my mother has made me the person I am today. The experiences she’s provided me with and the lessons she's taught me have molded me into the young adult that types before you. I have learned to be resourceful, genuine, mentally strong yet intuitive. Modeling after her all these years has allowed me to find a balance between wearing my heart on my sleeve and being able to swallow my pride. From a young age she impregnated me with the notion that I can do anything I set my mind to. This is something that I strive to pass onto my future children. Getting my PhD will equip me with many advantages that my mother never had or knew how to achieve. Yes, I will obviously have a higher salary than a nurse, probably a nicer (hopefully more stable) household and flashier "things" but, at the end of the day, none of that shit matters. I was raised without any of the bells or whistles that the majority of my peers had and I think I turned out (or am turning out) pretty exceptional. 

      Coming from where I’ve been, and channeling my tragedies and shortcomings as a catalyst for growth, has allowed me to stay humble. I believe that life satisfaction is strongly a result of perspective; I have every excuse in the book to be madder than hell at the world. And I’m sure you do too... everyone has their cross to bare. But when we start to rotate these bruises and look at them from another angle, we can begin to measure the strength, tenacity, and growth that has resulted. And that, my friends, is the key to satisfaction. I can thank my mama for providing me with that beautiful lens. 

           

           

The doctor's prescription for happiness

What makes you happy?

"If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?"

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyihQtBes1I

    When I was first given this prompt, Sheryl Crow's perfect poppy face popped into my mind. It took me back about ten years, cruising around in my mom's beat-up, duct-taped convertible white Lebaron. (Which I thought was the SHIT.) Sun beating down on my adolescent skin without a vexation to name, I was free in my inchoate thoughts. Bliss equated to these times of quality with my mother. To give you some clarity, supplemental times of happiness also included making mud pies in the trailer park forest and watching my cat Homer give birth. (Homer was a originally thought to be a male but after much confusion we realized he was a she) ...I digress.
     Fast forward to present...jogging back to a complete paradox from those memories. On the pursuit of hedonistic fluid freedom, I'm not entirely sure how to answer the prompt. A lot of tangible things make me happy; my friends, my family, meeting new people. All of these are interaction-based. But intrinsically what fuels my fire? That answer is a little more gray. I aspire to feel comfortable in my skin; I believe then I can reach true, unadulterated happiness. When do I feel this way you ask? Good question...I ask myself the same thing.

     In Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, he addresses this pursuit of happiness. (What's up Kid Cudi reference?!). 

"Good things are commonly divided into three classes: external goods, goods of the soul, goods of the body...but in speaking of the 'soul,' we refer to our soul's actions and activities...for we all but defined happiness as a kind of good life and well-being." 

    This passage fleshes out my confusion a bit. External goods are easy to obtain: those cute wedges that make your legs look good or those playoff hockey tickets you splurged on. Goods of the body are a tad harder but still somewhat natural: losing that nagging last five pounds of the freshmen fifteen or not panting like a dog in-heat after four flights of stairs. But goods of the soul? Whoa hold on, that's gonna take some effort. When does your soul feel "good?" Fluid, vulnerable, electric. Those three adjectives are what makes my soul feel good. Check out Danielle LaPorte's core desired feelings to start identifying yours.

    I had a conversation the other day with a friend about our status on the continuum of development. As twenty somethings are we considered "young adults?" And if so, what the hell does that label carry?! I think that we're forced to accept that title. We're awkward adjuncts to the greater world; not yet an essential component but aspiring to become essential in some way. Some people aspire to be essential to another person (i.e. the cheesy puzzle-piece soulmate bullshit). Others aspire to be essential to a field of work (i.e. obtaining a Ph.D. or receiving that six figure paycheck).
   ...I aspire to have my thirst quenched. I am always chasing something...a new high. I always want to travel here, talk to this person, go to this party, research this topic. For a long time I loathed this trait. I would get so pissed at myself that I couldn't just be happy with settling like the majority of the world. So maybe, after this long-winded dance of a blog post, that's what makes me happy. This constant chase to have my thirst quenched. As of right now the doctor is prescribing anything that allows me to feel fluid, vulnerable and electric to quench this thirst. What's the doctor prescribing you?

My definition of success

Success is a mouth watering word. The tangible details roll into your mind so fluidly...big houses, nice clothes, shiny cars. But where does intangibility fall on your Richter scale? To me intangible dreams rate much higher than materialistic dreams. My list of priorities for my future starts first and foremost with confidence in my own skin. Right now this is something that I struggle with daily. I always feel so lost and out of place. Additionally, I want to feel like I am completely accepted and loved unconditionally by a life partner. Aside from confidence and love, I belief success oozes out when you do what you love for a living. My career and community work must echo my life's mission of helping others. By starving your ego, you're able to feed your soul through intangibles. Only then will you experience organic success.

Camp Epiphanies

            For those of you that aren’t affiliated with McNair, we recently returned from a graduate school “boot camp” in Kentucky. Check out Lake Barkley, Kentucky! Can you say gorgeousss?! The camp focused on a variety of topics such as your personal statement, finding your “fit” in a graduate program, interviews and how to select your mentors. It was a lot to consume in a short period of time! But I am so grateful I was able to attend and soak up those rays of knowledge. In the same vein of learning, I also had a few epiphanies from my time spent at camp…

            First, I realized that applying and selecting a graduate program should be treated as a business transaction. You’ve got to walk the walk and talk the talk to be viewed as a valuable asset to whatever university you’re applying to. You can easily make up for poor GRE scores or average GPAs by properly formatting your personal statement. Don Asher does an incredible job of assisting applicants in these areas. Check him out!

            Secondly, I realized that clinical psychology is probably not the best fit for me. First and foremost, the programs are extremely competitive with not a lot of funding to be provided. This is a huge determinant for me…I need that $$$! In addition, the more I look into clinical programs the less attracted to the practice I am. I’ve recently been considering either a PhD in counseling psychology or a Masters in social work. That still has to be explored further. I’m really trying to be as logical as possible when I look into programs because I was very naïve when I came to Central Michigan University. I have no regrets in this decision because it’s brought me to the incredible, blessed position I am standing in now but I certainly could have been more thorough in the beginning. But hey, I didn’t know any better!

            Lastly (and most important in my eyes), I realized that…ready for this one? I DESERVE THIS! I deserve to get into a bomb graduate school program, with awesome funding and in a cool location. I have been working on eliminating feelings of guilt for my success/intelligence/abandoning my family for over a year or so now. Anyone who knows me knows that this epiphany is a big deal J And you know what? You deserve any happiness/success that you’re receiving now too! Don’t ever be hung up on things outside of your control. By living and breathing that as my creed I have been able to shed a lot of guilt.

Allowing My Voice To Be Heard Through My Research

            Right now my research interests lie in the field of paternal psychology. I believe that this interest stems from my relationship with my father. Our relationship has been strained on and off since childhood. Growing up, my father was a drug addict and alcoholic. He was in and out of jail for DUIs, probation violations, escape. After he had an affair on my mom, my parents divorced when I was seven. As a result, my father's addictions spiraled out of control. For fear of my father's vices killing him and his undying love for my mother, my parents reconciled and remarried when I was twelve. The typical teenage attitude coupled with the animosity I harbored toward my father festered inside of me for many years. Although the drug use stopped (to my knowledge), the drinking continued. It would go through functional phases and it would go through not so function phases.

            At this lowest point my father attempted suicide when I was fifteen. My mother was working midnights that night and my brother and I were the only ones home. Together we saved my father’s life. My brother and I are the sole reason my father survived his attempt. Upon sobering up and realizing his actions my dad took no responsibility. He actually checked himself out of the hospital against doctors’ orders and never sought psychiatric help. Needless to say, I was livid. But like most of my family chaos, this event was swept under the rug of ignorance.

            When I was sixteen my mother had an affair and my burning feelings of hate were subsequently projected towards her. This projection allowed me to start to forget forgive and get to know my father better. I choose to live with him instead of my mother for a short period of time. Bouncing between homes got older and eventually it was the most economically feasible to live with my mother. After leaving home for college I went through more rough patches with my father but the distance made me appreciate his presence more. We worked towards getting to know each other better. My father and I’s relationship is still a work in progress now. He may not be the traditional father and I may not be the traditional daddy’s girl but we’ve come a long way and our relationship is extremely important to me now. 

            When I began searching for research topics of interest I knew I wanted to do something family-orientated. Originally, I wanted to study resilience in siblings.  But once I discovered the lack of research on fathers my intuition yearned for me to harness my life experiences with my father and channel them into something productive for the greater good. Currently, I am researching fathers’ of children with disabilities. Specifically in the fields of work and male-male friendship perceptions/changes as a result of having a child with CHARGE Syndrome.  

            So why am I telling you about my history and current research interests? I believe that if we as a society can begin to stop framing our fathers as “invisible parents” we can help families become mentally, physically and spiritually stable. I did not have a stable childhood. Now, this does not mean that I had a bad childhood. I know that my story evokes pity from a lot of people; I was dealt a shitty hand of cards. But let me assure you, I do not look at it this way. I believe I was given these life experiences because I have always been a strong, futuristic person. If I can disseminate my story and where I’ve been, maybe I can help people to aspire to help themselves and go great lengths like I have. I want to help society realize that our fathers are just as important to a child’s wellbeing and upbringing as our mothers are. We NEED to give fathers attention, support and reinforcement so that they can confidently raise strong children. My father, fatherless at the age of two, was never given this confidence.

            They say you find your voice through four primary components:

1.     The need

2.     Your conscience

3.     Your talents

4.     Your passion

            I can sit here and confidently type that I believe my voice is to help fathers. My conscience/talents/passion are all pulling me in that direction. Right now I am beginning to research fathers of children with disabilities. Ideally I want to help fathers from all different walks of life.   

My Fellow Scholars

This post is meant for me to address my McNair cohort on a personal level. Before I go into individual addresses, I'd like to address my cohort as a whole. I am going through a lot of growth this summer (hence my blog title) and I just want to thank all of you for the summer we're about to experience. I anticipate that every one of you will teach me something about myself. We have such an eclectic, intellectual group and I am very proud to call myself a part of it :)

Okay sooo, I've decided to exercise my creative muscle and give each one of you a band that reminds me of you.

• Rob: I'd have to give you the Xx. I choose this band for you because they have a lot of integrity as a band. I think this because their skill comes from their actual music, not lyrics so much. They are a band of few lyrics overall (until you dive in and listen more) and that reminded me of you because you can come off as shy. Although you come off as shy, once you start a conversation there is a lot of intellect and insight to be given. Which is very similar to the Xx.
• Jayson: Maroon 5. I choose this band for you because like Maroon 5 you are very happy and genuine but also hold a deeper meaning. I hope I can get to know that meaning better :)
• Jim: I have to give you Mumford! Partially because we've talked a little bit about them before but mainly because I feel like you're a very reserved person but once you're approached you have a lot of intellect and life experience to provide. This is a lot like M&S because everyone assume they're similar to other "popular" bands but once you devulge into their lyrics you find that there's a lot of depth. With that being said, I'm excited to get to know you better!
• Nancy:I give you Red Hot Chili Peppers because although you come off as unfriendly to people it's not true at all. You are  very kind hearted person who has a tough exterior but once someone gives you a chance you prove all of those stereotypes wrong. And also like RHCP you don't take anyones shit, which I love!
• Mickey: For you I choose Florence and the Machine. I choose F+M because like Florence Welsh you are very deep yet mysterious. I feel like the eery personality of Florence compliments you well.
• Tara: Of Monsters and Men, OMAM is produces such friendly yet intellectual music. I think that fits you very well! I like that you're so outgoing and able to carry on long conversations with me. I feel that OMAM is very conversational and makes me feel good as I listen!
• Amanda C: Adele! I choose Adele for you because you are a VERY strong woman who has come along way (from what I see). Despite your hardships you're always so smiley and ready to try the next new thing. I love that!!
• Amanda S: Taylor Swift, now don't take that the wrong way haha I really like TS because she's a open book but still very shy at the same time. That reminds me of you because you're very warm and relating once we get talking. I know we're going to become good friends :)
• Andy: Ke$ha! One of my favorites, Ke$ha doesn't care what anybody else in the world thinks, she just does her thing! With that being said, I really admire your personality in that way. Whether it'd be goofiing off, belly dancing or yoga you're always down to try something new.  & that is definitely something I look for in  a friend!!
• Matt: Lynard Skynard! Don't take this the wrong way. LS is one of my dad's favorite bands and he's taught me to appreciate good music. Like LS, you are very
• Nicole: For you I pick Jack Johnson. I choose him because like JJ you are bubbly and friendly. JJ's music is always uplifting and fun, which are traits I really admire in you.
• Leah: I choose Justin Timberlake for you because you are so smooth yet funny! JT is so silky with his lyrics yet hiliarous when he does comedy skits. I also think that like JT you are a very genuine person!
• Bruce: Incubus for you! (haha just kidding) I choose Lana Del Ray for you. I choose Lana because she is so raw and open just like you. By just listening to her sing you can realize that there is a ton more below the surface, which reminds me a lot of you. But the cool thing is is that she seals off this depth with a beautiful, friendly face just like yours!

First HUGE adjustment.

      Recently I've made a few huge life adjustments. Among other changes, the main HUGE one was breaking up with my long-term boyfriend of almost three years. He was completely perfect on paper; so handsome, sweet, kind, loving, all of the above. But with this being said, I constantly felt like deep down I didn't deserve him. Despite his undying patience and love for me  I just didn't feel complete. One day I realized that I couldn't keep doing this to myself...I need to find myself. I need to fix whatever is broken within me. I've never allowed myself to be completely raw. I've always had a person to "anchor" myself to. Whether it'd be a boyfriend, my best friends, family etc. But now this break-up, coupled with living completely alone for the first time ever, has forced me into this raw, vulnerable period. This blog is dedicated to my exploration and growth this summer. 
     So as this blog begins I am at the one week mark of breaking up with him. It also marks me at almost one week of living alone. Mind you, I've moved almost three hours away to work with an incredible program, McNair Scholars doing research I absolutely love. You can read more about my research in future blog posts. McNair is keeping me very busy, which keeps my mind off of the "ugly stuff" and more on the "pretty stuff." Let's go over these terms more in depth...

• Ugly stuff =
• The boy (Memories, regrets, things left unsaid, etc.)
• Missing my best friends back home
• Lack of money (my money tree hasn't begun to blossom yet)  
• Living alone

• Pretty stuff =
• Yoga
• Meditation
• My Exploration into Buddhism
• Making new friends 
• Personal trainer

     So cue in my exploration...I'm beginning an active journey into finding myself. Feel free to read along :)