Monday, February 3, 2014

New Orleans, New Person

Of all my direct service experiences during my period as Michigan Service Scholar, the Alternative Break I co-site led to New Orleans was hands-down the most fulfilling. We served with the St. Bernard Project working on final home restoration projects. The house we assisted with was in dilapidated post Hurricane Katrina shape. Sure, our strong direct service was stimulating and enriching but nothing compared to the community that welcomed us.

What we experienced in NOLA was a buzzing atmosphere of life, optimism and beauty. I have struggled my entire life to feel a sense of attachment to my community; a struggle I hadn't conceptualized until walking through the lower ninth ward of NOLA. So many people I encounter in my life as a Michigander disasterize their everyday lives and fuel their insecurities through comparing themselves to everyone else. Down in NOLA, the outlook on life is different. It is organic and fresh; promotion of individuality is central. This eclectic melting pot electrified something in me that had since become jaded and hardened. I had become cynical to the daily worshiping of celebrities and other physical forms of beauty, bitter to the hollow personalities of many college students, and discouraged over the lack of global-minded morals.

Our site supervisor, Ryan Bowen, an AmeriCorps intern for the St. Bernard Project, made our experience unforgettable. Ryan's guidance and passion for serving NOLA definitely lit a visceral fire for the community deep in the souls of all twelve of us. This sense of community in NOLA is what transcended this little week into the bigger, global, picture for me. Ryan skillfully weaved in key components of AmeriCorps and Alternative Breaks mission statements into each and every activity and conversation that transpired. This altering of life values, and subsequent teaching/investing/transmitting them to others, I believe, is indicative of true personal growth and commitment to the lifestyle of being an active citizen. And for that transmission, I will forever be grateful. 

What my experience as AmeriCorps Michigan Service Scholar did was give me an avenue to this city of lush life. But this Alternative Break literally revitalized my outlook on the world. My optimistic pulse has since strengthened. I am confident that I can enter the world of graduate academia with a global lens and attempt to polish others' through my stories. I fell in love with the area and the family I gained through this process, but more notably, I finally started to fall in love with myself and this new person I am becoming.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The bullshit, so-called, magic of being in our twenties


Yeah yeah yeah…I know what you’re thinking. You, too, have been victim to the (insert older age here)-somethings droning in your ear about why/how we should live out our twenties. They’re always so quick to feed us bullshit inspiration about how this awkward, confusing, consuming fucked up mess of a decade is supposed to be the best times of our lives. And yeah, sure, we nod and believe it for like 2.5 minutes then go off to do whatever meaningless things we do with our time.

But what if we took just a few extra minutes to really start to believe the sugar-coated words and embrace this mess? There is (supposedly) no other time in our lives that we can do whatever the fuck we want. The best advice I have ever been given came from a good, older, friend. She said “girl you’re in your twenties…any decision you make can be undone.” And with those few, simple words, it all clicked. She was RIGHT! Here I am, my head spinning around trying to make all of these crazy important decisions, wishing desperately for a crystal ball, when in reality, any decision I make can be undone! I’m not carving my life path into stone or donating my first born child if it doesn't turn out right. Because, lets face it, our little “plans” aren't going to turn out "right" anyways.

So make some of the best, most hot-messed decisions I've made since I started this blog:         
  • Break up with your long term boyfriend/girlfriend (if you're merely complacent)
  • Live alone (for a short period of time I suggest)
  • Be car-less
  • Stay up way too late when you have an early presentation
  • Pursue that person that is “out of your league” (because bitch you’re gorgeous and no one is actually out of your league)
  • Experiment (...define this how you'd like)
  • ...When in doubt, always, do that extra tequila shot
  • Work a shitty, dirty part-time job
  • TRAVEL... anywhere and everywhere
  • Volunteer for the social issues that tug at your heart
  • Send that drunk text
  • Count your blessings frequently
  • Always try to pay forward the help you receive
  • Follow your intuition 
  • But most importantly, realize how fucking important your best friends are and tell them 
I'm no specialist at life or anything but if there's one thing I've learned it's that we as living, breathing humans have one life to live. Because when we strain away all societal pressure and responsibilities, we hold the key to our own happiness.

Cheers to not being engaged but instead being chased, impulsive, gutsy and most importantly: doing all things with hedonism: the belief that pleasure or happiness is the most important goal in life.


Monday, July 15, 2013

Slow Like The Sinking Summer Sun

Prompt: What is chronic or inflamed in your life? 

Lately I've really realized how fast time flies and how close I really am to the cusp of adulthood. This past weekend I was back in my hometown, and like most hometowns, it always seems like the land time doesn't touch. The infamous monuments, the beat down back roads, the inside jokes that still make you laugh. It's all accompanies you with a comforting embrace of safety and security. But as I walked along the lake, feeling the hazey summer sun sink behind beautiful houses that aren't mine, I was reminded how much time really has passed. It feels like just yesterday I was graduating high school and feeling giddy about college plans. And now I'm soon entering my last year of undergraduate and looking into graduate programs. My point? Life stands still for no one. It doesn't give you a time out to let you figure out your current dilemma. You have to master the act of rolling with the punches; which, for a recovering control freak, is easier said than done. People change, relationships rearrange, priorities shift. What's the common denominator in this equation? The passage of TIME. Time slips away much like a handful of sand. This used to drive me crazy; I was constantly swimming against the current to slow things down. So many people to see with so little time. Micromanaging became a past time of mine. But recently I've discovered that quality of time spent completely overrides quantity. This seems to contradict the concept that time flies. It's in our nature to try to squeeze in as many things into our short days as possible. That has begun to bother me...I want my relationships to be effortless not scheduled. How do we do this? How do we slow time down so we can be effortless and casual? And how do we juggle our school, jobs, future planning along with our relationships? These questions have become inflamed for me recently. I think we should all search for tactics to do this; tactics to slow down and smell the roses. This weekend I started on that endeavor. I successfully pulled an all nighter with my mom and wondered onto a random beach to watch the sunrise. (If you haven't done this yet, please do. It's completely worth the lack of sleep. Minus trespassing, I probably shouldn't condone that)  Later that day, I was with one of my best friends along the boardwalk and watched the sun sink down while we ate ice cream from the ice cream truck. These past few days literally made me re-appreciate my life and the act of slowing down. Lets enjoy this crazy, unpredictable ride before its too late. Shotty front seat! 

Monday, July 1, 2013

She got it from her mama

Prompt: What thing, experience or person has really contributed to the individual you are today?

        Growing up with a working single mother money was inevitably always tight. I still remember counting down to her biweekly paychecks to go grocery shopping or to get the cable turned back on. Don't get me wrong, you can see from my curvy frame that I was never starved or suffered by any means... We always had something in the fridge. Now, what that something was, was never consistent. It varied from coffeecake to "house burgers" (see Eddie Murphy's skit on House burgers....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ToAgia1EMA minus all of the spices + green peppers that was a house hold staple). Far from a domestic goddess, my mother made whatever we had stretch to whenever it needed to. Coming from a low-income background, we know how to be resourceful. I believe a lot of my creative juice stems from using my imagination so much when I was young. Because, as of right now, the government hasn’t started taxing imagination.
         Watching my mother put herself through nursing school after the first divorce was my first example of collegiate success. Juggling school, a full time job, her crazy kids, the emotional baggage from a divorce and all of the other life struggles, she prevailed and obtained her Registered Nurse certification in 2000. She always sought out advancement for herself, my brother and I. Whether it was enrolling me in dance classes or taking us to city productions, we were always enriched as children. I believe that this is extremely detrimental for child development; parents tend to think that just because they don’t have the income that they cant provide X, Y and Z for their children. This is something that my mother never let deter her or us. From a young age I’ve always had the mindset that if I want something I’m going to get it. This mindset has allowed me to travel the world, domestic America and to do a plethora of fun things. Although not the best at saving or investing my mother always reminds me that money is a renewable resource. Opportunities however, may not be.
            Growing up in a broken household, my mother is no stranger to hardship. Her father, a troubled soldier home from Vietnam, committed suicide on Christmas morning when she was twelve. Adolescent life was cut short as she became a second mother for her younger twin sisters. My grandmother became seemingly invisible and faded into becoming a daily regular at the local bar. A few years later my mom met my dad and they became an item for virtually twenty plus years. The two married when she was twenty-one. This relationship was always far from stable; during their wedding reception they were already arguing and the wedding party was taking bets on when they were going to divorce. My dad got so drunk that he passed out on his bride (before the reception was over) and my mom ended up going to a local house party. So much for a matrimonial welcoming into married life. 
         Not long after, the world was blessed with my presence. And scorned a few years later with my baby brother’s. (Kind of kidding Juju, Love ya!). If you ask my mother want she wanted as a young adult her answer was to be a mother. She wanted children more than anything else. Aside from her strength, persistence and sense of humor, my favorite trait of my mama is her unconditional love. Despite the hardship as a child and throughout her adult life, she still loves her mother, late father and sisters. Despite her nasty divorces, she still loves my dad. She may have her days that animosity floods in but overall she is full of love. No matter the event and the toll it takes on her, my mom continues to put one foot in front of the other. Life stops for no one.
         So I guess my answer to this prompt in short is my mother has made me the person I am today. The experiences she’s provided me with and the lessons she's taught me have molded me into the young adult that types before you. I have learned to be resourceful, genuine, mentally strong yet intuitive. Modeling after her all these years has allowed me to find a balance between wearing my heart on my sleeve and being able to swallow my pride. From a young age she impregnated me with the notion that I can do anything I set my mind to. This is something that I strive to pass onto my future children. Getting my PhD will equip me with many advantages that my mother never had or knew how to achieve. Yes, I will obviously have a higher salary than a nurse, probably a nicer (hopefully more stable) household and flashier "things" but, at the end of the day, none of that shit matters. I was raised without any of the bells or whistles that the majority of my peers had and I think I turned out (or am turning out) pretty exceptional. 
      Coming from where I’ve been, and channeling my tragedies and shortcomings as a catalyst for growth, has allowed me to stay humble. I believe that life satisfaction is strongly a result of perspective; I have every excuse in the book to be madder than hell at the world. And I’m sure you do too... everyone has their cross to bare. But when we start to rotate these bruises and look at them from another angle, we can begin to measure the strength, tenacity, and growth that has resulted. And that, my friends, is the key to satisfaction. I can thank my mama for providing me with that beautiful lens. 


           
           

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The doctor's prescription for happiness

What makes you happy?
"If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?"
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyihQtBes1I

    When I was first given this prompt, Sheryl Crow's perfect poppy face popped into my mind. It took me back about ten years, cruising around in my mom's beat-up, duct-taped convertible white Lebaron. (Which I thought was the SHIT.) Sun beating down on my adolescent skin without a vexation to name, I was free in my inchoate thoughts. Bliss equated to these times of quality with my mother. To give you some clarity, supplemental times of happiness also included making mud pies in the trailer park forest and watching my cat Homer give birth. (Homer was a originally thought to be a male but after much confusion we realized he was a she) ...I digress.
     Fast forward to present...jogging back to a complete paradox from those memories. On the pursuit of hedonistic fluid freedom, I'm not entirely sure how to answer the prompt. A lot of tangible things make me happy; my friends, my family, meeting new people. All of these are interaction-based. But intrinsically what fuels my fire? That answer is a little more gray. I aspire to feel comfortable in my skin; I believe then I can reach true, unadulterated happiness. When do I feel this way you ask? Good question...I ask myself the same thing.
     In Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, he addresses this pursuit of happiness. (What's up Kid Cudi reference?!). 
"Good things are commonly divided into three classes: external goods, goods of the soul, goods of the body...but in speaking of the 'soul,' we refer to our soul's actions and activities...for we all but defined happiness as a kind of good life and well-being." 
    This passage fleshes out my confusion a bit. External goods are easy to obtain: those cute wedges that make your legs look good or those playoff hockey tickets you splurged on. Goods of the body are a tad harder but still somewhat natural: losing that nagging last five pounds of the freshmen fifteen or not panting like a dog in-heat after four flights of stairs. But goods of the soul? Whoa hold on, that's gonna take some effort. When does your soul feel "good?" Fluid, vulnerable, electric. Those three adjectives are what makes my soul feel good. Check out Danielle LaPorte's core desired feelings to start identifying yours.
    I had a conversation the other day with a friend about our status on the continuum of development. As twenty somethings are we considered "young adults?" And if so, what the hell does that label carry?! I think that we're forced to accept that title. We're awkward adjuncts to the greater world; not yet an essential component but aspiring to become essential in some way. Some people aspire to be essential to another person (i.e. the cheesy puzzle-piece soulmate bullshit). Others aspire to be essential to a field of work (i.e. obtaining a Ph.D. or receiving that six figure paycheck).
   ...I aspire to have my thirst quenched. I am always chasing something...a new high. I always want to travel here, talk to this person, go to this party, research this topic. For a long time I loathed this trait. I would get so pissed at myself that I couldn't just be happy with settling like the majority of the world. So maybe, after this long-winded dance of a blog post, that's what makes me happy. This constant chase to have my thirst quenched. As of right now the doctor is prescribing anything that allows me to feel fluid, vulnerable and electric to quench this thirst. What's the doctor prescribing you?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

My definition of success

Success is a mouth watering word. The tangible details roll into your mind so fluidly...big houses, nice clothes, shiny cars. But where does intangibility fall on your Richter scale? To me intangible dreams rate much higher than materialistic dreams. My list of priorities for my future starts first and foremost with confidence in my own skin. Right now this is something that I struggle with daily. I always feel so lost and out of place. Additionally, I want to feel like I am completely accepted and loved unconditionally by a life partner. Aside from confidence and love, I belief success oozes out when you do what you love for a living. My career and community work must echo my life's mission of helping others. By starving your ego, you're able to feed your soul through intangibles. Only then will you experience organic success.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Camp Epiphanies


            For those of you that aren’t affiliated with McNair, we recently returned from a graduate school “boot camp” in Kentucky. Check out Lake Barkley, Kentucky! Can you say gorgeousss?! The camp focused on a variety of topics such as your personal statement, finding your “fit” in a graduate program, interviews and how to select your mentors. It was a lot to consume in a short period of time! But I am so grateful I was able to attend and soak up those rays of knowledge. In the same vein of learning, I also had a few epiphanies from my time spent at camp…
            First, I realized that applying and selecting a graduate program should be treated as a business transaction. You’ve got to walk the walk and talk the talk to be viewed as a valuable asset to whatever university you’re applying to. You can easily make up for poor GRE scores or average GPAs by properly formatting your personal statement. Don Asher does an incredible job of assisting applicants in these areas. Check him out!
            Secondly, I realized that clinical psychology is probably not the best fit for me. First and foremost, the programs are extremely competitive with not a lot of funding to be provided. This is a huge determinant for me…I need that $$$! In addition, the more I look into clinical programs the less attracted to the practice I am. I’ve recently been considering either a PhD in counseling psychology or a Masters in social work. That still has to be explored further. I’m really trying to be as logical as possible when I look into programs because I was very naïve when I came to Central Michigan University. I have no regrets in this decision because it’s brought me to the incredible, blessed position I am standing in now but I certainly could have been more thorough in the beginning. But hey, I didn’t know any better!
            Lastly (and most important in my eyes), I realized that…ready for this one? I DESERVE THIS! I deserve to get into a bomb graduate school program, with awesome funding and in a cool location. I have been working on eliminating feelings of guilt for my success/intelligence/abandoning my family for over a year or so now. Anyone who knows me knows that this epiphany is a big deal J And you know what? You deserve any happiness/success that you’re receiving now too! Don’t ever be hung up on things outside of your control. By living and breathing that as my creed I have been able to shed a lot of guilt.